1. “What's another word for Thesaurus? ”

Steven Wright

2. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”

3. “If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.”

George S. Patton

4. “What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.”

5. “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

Thomas Edison

6. “A lion may die of an ass's kick.”

Robert Browning

7. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”

Brian White

8. “You're a human being, you live once and life is wonderful, so eat the damn red velvet cupcake.”

Emma Stone

9. “I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.”

Mark Twain

10. “I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time.”

11. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

Charlie Chaplin

12. “In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.”

Johnny Carson

13. “Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.”

Stephen Hawking

14. “And then I thought to myself, 'what's the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?'”

15. “Life begins at forty.”

16. “You call it procrastination, I call it thinking.”

Adam Grant

17. “This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”

Oscar Wilde

18. “I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.”

19. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

Steven Wright

20. “Often we have to remind our minds that the job of asshole is already taken.”

21. “If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.”

22. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. ”

W.C. Fields

23. “If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory!”

Mark Twain

24. “I failed in some subjects in exam, but my friend passed in all. Now he is an engineer in Microsoft and I am the owner of Microsoft.”

Bill Gates

25. “Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”

26. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana.”

27. “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

Mark Twain

28. “Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.”

Carl Gustav Jung

29. “Cumulative final exams are like fights in relationships. Why must we continue to bring up the past? What's done is done.”

30. “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible!"”

Audrey Hepburn

31. “My Saturday was going on well until I realized it was Sunday.”

32. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

Mitch Hedberg

33. “Life is too short for fake butter, cheese, or people.”

34. “Don't let idiots ruin your day.”

35. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”

Alexander Woollcott

36. “He was sunshine most always - I mean he made it seem like good weather.”

Mark Twain

37. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

Phyllis Diller

38. “Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.”

39. “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel they have not said enough.”

Mark Twain

40. “The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.”

Flannery O'Connor

41. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

Will Rogers

42. “Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way.”

Charles Bukowski

43. “My brain is like Google Images.”